Follow Your Heart

This year I have been thinking a lot about the concept of following my heart.

When I was younger I thought that the advice, “follow your heart,” was ridiculous! As far as I was concerned my head and my heart were equally dominant and although they fought, they generally worked together and I essentially followed whatever conclusion they came to.

I was using the word “head” to refer to my thoughts or rationale; and the word “heart” to refer to my feelings or emotions. I basically thought we should try to balance our “heads” and “hearts,” not follow one or the other.

Now, I have come to realise that following our hearts has nothing to do with the war between our thoughts and our feelings, or choosing to follow our emotions over our rationale. Our true hearts are much deeper than our most conscious thoughts, feelings and perceptions.

Our true hearts are peaceful. They are not persuaded by thoughts of how to behave in socially acceptable ways so as to gain others’ love and support. Nor are they motivated by our feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, guilt or even self-righteousness. They follow the path of love and peace.

While the heart acknowledges our thoughts, feelings and perceptions and allows them space to exist, they are quieted by this very acknowledgement. The heart fully accepts that I might feel afraid, and says, “It’s okay to be afraid.” The heart hears the question, “What if I’m doing the wrong thing?” and responds, “You are, always have been and always will be loved.”

That love–the love coming from your true heart or inner self–is actually the love of God for you. In fact I believe that the voice of the heart is the spirit of God within you.

Another thing I have been discovering is that following your heart means being/becoming yourself. It means doing the things that feel healthiest for you. It means being much more honest and therefore breaking down our own facades.

I had a revelation recently that when God revealed himself to Moses from the burning bush and Moses asked him who he was, God said “I AM who I AM.” He didn’t give Moses a name, because if he had, Moses’ perception of God would be limited by whatever name he gave. God essentially said to Moses:

I AM ME.

God is not limited to Moses’ perception of him. And no matter how much BS we project onto God, God will always be HIMSELF. God is the truest being. He is always true to himself. He always follows his heart.

He is the heart.

Great Barrier Reef Adventure

Wednesday 13th-Thursday 14th July 2016 IMG_6093

On Wednesday morning JD and I boarded a ferry to the Great Barrier Reef pontoon. The pontoon is a three storey building way out at sea with lots of outdoor areas, an underwater viewing area (an aquarium of windows looking out into the ocean that can fit about 30 visitors and has constant schools of fish swimming around it), and some indoor quarters for staff including change rooms for visitors. The pontoon is basically tied to the ocean floor by heavy weights and cables and is floating above sea level.

When we arrived we visited the aquarium and then took a small semi-submersible boat called the Sea Urchin out to view the reef from underwater windows.

We then waited until the crowd of 300 people had done their snorkelling and taken the ferry back to the mainland. There were only 5 of us staying the night plus half a dozen or more staff. We jumped into the ocean to do our snorkelling at 3:30pm and had the reef to ourselves. We got to see beautifully coloured clams, coral and fish and, guess what, we even found Nemo’s cousin, a brown and white striped clownfish amongst them. The water wasn’t as warm as I had expected and even though I was wearing a wetsuit, my teeth were chattering within half an hour so I got out soon after that while JD kept snorkelling.

DCIM100GOPRO
DCIM100GOPRO

We watched the sunset and heard & saw large trevally fish snapping up their dinner through a large viewing hole on the pontoon.

We ate delicious seafood chowder, fish, steak, chicken kebabs and vegetables for dinner and got to know the three people staying on the reef with us. Ten year old Jack was a walking, talking animal encyclopaedia who grew up on the farm out in “whoop whoop” NSW with his parents Phil and Jodie. We had some interesting discussions about farm life, work life, books, Aussie & American politics, and religion / God etc. Our main host on the reef, Jennifer from Belgium, was lovely as well. She set up a swag for JD and I underneath the pontoon decking, while the other three visitors opted to stay in indoor quarters.

DCIM100GOPRO
DCIM100GOPRO

We had been planning to sleep on the second level of the pontoon, under the stars in the swag (a small tent the size of a double bed with a thin double mattress and sleeping-bag inside), but unfortunately we booked a night that was forecasted to rain and had to put the swag under shelter.

Sleeping on the pontoon, we awoke to loud noises at least half a dozen times. The wind was howling, waves crashing, seabirds chirping half the night (they land on the pontoon, regurgitate fish and crap on deck once the sun has set–this is sometimes a big problem, though fortunately during our stay I think the wind kept them somewhat at bay), not to mention the deck chairs upstairs were rattling around and moored boats banged against the side of the pontoon. But the waves that caused the pontoon to sway were actually quite soothing and reminded us of being rocked to sleep! It rained in the night and I kept wondering if we were going to get washed away, but we stayed dry and warm enough in the swag.

JD and I spent a few spare hours here and there reading a great book called “Passionate Marriage,” (I’d highly recommend it to anyone in a committed relationship). In the morning we read upstairs on the decking in the 20-24mph strong winds. We also visited the aquarium quite a lot while the rest of the tourists weren’t around. Breakfast of hash browns, bacon and eggs were ready at 7:30. It was high tide and the sea looked too rough for snorkelling so we waited until another crowd of 300 people arrived at 11am and planned to pay an instructor to take us scuba diving for half an hour. Unfortunately, due to my honesty on the medical forms, I was not permitted to scuba dive because I once had an asthma attack as an adult and they required medical clearance for me to dive. I had been really nervous about scuba diving but also super keen to conquer my fears and do what I’d dreamed about as a child: scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef. So I was terribly disappointed when they said I couldn’t dive, and spent the next few minutes crying in the bathroom. I encouraged JD to go without me and spent slightly more on a helicopter ride to view the famous Heart Reef. It’s a crazy expensive, 10 minute helicopter ride ($145 AUD), but the view of the reef from above was truly amazing: aqua waters, swirly corals near the surface and dark blue channels where the water is apparently 50-60 meters deep. The heart shaped reef was beautiful and something you can only see from the air. I had been debating whether or not to take that helicopter ride for months while planning our trip. I think it was a good substitute in light of the diving debacle.Heart Reef

JD scuba dived and then snorkelled for close to 3 hours (he was wearing 3 wetsuits to keep warm in the 22C / 72F). I decided I couldn’t hack the wind and cold water temps again, knowing that we still have one more snorkelling day coming up.

Both days we had a buffet lunch on the ferry while it was docked by the pontoon and we boarded to return to the mainland home at 3pm after our 28hour stay on the pontoon. The waves were incredibly choppy for the 3 hour ride back and most passengers took sea sickness tablets before leaving, including JD and myself. It hadn’t rained during the day at the pontoon but started again on the ride home and is pouring down now. Glad we’re not doing the reef sleep tonight, although Tuesday night would have been better conditions than Wednesday, but then, we wouldn’t have had the same adventure!

Does God Love Rapists?

It is silly when we think things like:
God doesn’t love the rapist during the act of rape, as though God’s anger and justice and judgement could ever outweigh his love.
God identifies with the rapist as surely as he identifies with the rape-victim.
He understands the thoughts and feelings of the rapist, the circumstances and rational that lead the rapist to committing the act.
And God justifies him!
Just as surely as he justifies you or me.
God justifies sinners in the midst of sin.

He identifies with every lie we tell ourselves.
He understands the hurt that causes us to respond the way we respond.
He knows the reasons as though they were his own reasons –
And he forgives the reasons.
He allows them.
He loves the rapist during the act of rape.

This is not to say he doesn’t love the victim.
He feels every ounce of the victim’s pain and suffering.
He experiences his/her anger and trauma to the nth degree – perhaps even more than the victim him/herself does!
He intimately knows exactly what we go through whenever we are abused.
And he justifies every response, every feeling, every thought:
Completely accepted.

God is within them both: the rapist and the victim.
He loves them to their core and his core entirely.

Does this mean there won’t be a reckoning?
There is always a reckoning – whether in this life or the next.
But the reckoning is not between humanity and God.
God is at peace with the perpetrator and the victim.
There is no separation.
The reckoning is between the offender and the offended.
Both must fully identify with each other, just as God has fully identified with them as individuals.
The victim must enter the mind, will and emotion of the abuser.
The perpetrator must enter the mind, will and emotion of the victim.
They must so entirely understand each other, that no forgiveness can be left unsaid or undone.

Just as surely as Hitler will experience the pain of each and every Jew who suffered in his war, the Jews will also experience the pain that motivated Hitler.
As surely as Ted Bundy will identify with the terror of his rape and murder victims, they will identify with the feelings that drove him to act as he did.
If we think that God doesn’t love Hitler and Bundy, and that he cannot forgive their mistakes, then God can not love you or me or forgive our mistakes.
Because if I lived Hitler’s life, if I were in his mind and reasoned the way he reasoned and experienced all he experienced, I would have done exactly what he did, simply because he did it.
What Bundy was capable of; I am capable of.
Because we are all human.
We all have the same capacity for darkness and light;
Love and hate.

For God to forgive even one offence means he must by nature forgive all offences.
For God to justify one sinner, means he has justified all sinners.
There is no special treatment because one person is more penitent than another, or one resisted the urge to become Hitler while another did not.
We all fail to be sorry and resist evil at some time or another.
This is what makes us equal.

If God truly is love, then everyone is equally loved by God in the midst of any and all evil.
This is the offence of the gospel!
This is the severity of God’s love!
This is hell and heaven and everything in between.
That we would all be as completely unified with one another,
As he is with us!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Why Write a Book About Sex

I have wanted to write a book about sex for years but it has taken me quite a while to muster the courage–and equally as long to actually engage in sexual practises. I have never considered myself to be sexually normal. Not that there is a normal, but TheObsessed-Webexperiencing sexual abuse definitely has unique effects on a person’s sexual development.

I grew up avoiding all things sexual, while simultaneously craving the thing I lacked. In fact, I spent a considerable amount of time and energy crying–grieving–about my sexuality. Whether I was crying about my singleness, or crying because I felt guilty for masturbating, or crying because I was pushing my own sexual boundaries, or crying because I wanted to have sex but wasn’t married and couldn’t decide whether or not to simply throw caution to the wind, or crying over past sexual trauma; my sexuality, without a doubt, has been and may still be one of the most difficult and painful areas of my personhood.

Part of my inclination to write about sex comes from my desire to heal the wounds of my own past and equally passionate is my desire to influence others who may suffer with similar wounds, difficulties, fears, traumas, sexual secrets and potentially harmful restrictions. I struggled with extreme guilt over masturbation in my twenties and I want to help other people to at least ponder the idea that self-masturbation is a healthy expression of ones sexuality. I’ve experienced disappointments in my married sex-life and want to encourage people to talk about sexual issues honestly and openly. My hope is that through honest conversation, we may begin to heal our collective sexuality sooner rather than later.

I feel strongly that it is time for the church to start preaching grace above abstinence. When statistics tell us that more than 90% of people, Christian and non-Christian alike, have sex before marriage in countries like America and Australia, we are kidding ourselves if we think that vamping up the abstinence message is going to stop people from having premarital sex. We need better sex education about contraception and even about abortion. Also, the church desperately needs to re-think its hate-the-sin-love-the-sinner approach to LGBTIQ people. The church is not capable of loving sinners if it simultaneously shames, judges, criticises, condemns, avoids and slanders their sin. An article of mine was published in the news about this recently.

If I may be so bold: I believe that the Spirit of Love has anointed me to proclaim freedom from condemnation, guilt and shame, to heal broken-hearts, to free people from oppressive social norms, to bestow the halo of God’s grace and cast out the spirit of heaviness, that we may all rejoice in the glorious love of our saviour Jesus Christ. In a nutshell, I feel compelled to preach grace for sexual shame.

This book equates to about 110 A4 pages (58,000 words) exploring and challenging current Christian and religious norms around various sexual topics. It was written over the period of approximately 18 months mostly in 2015-2016. When I began writing it, I was an intercourse-virgin. When I finished writing it, I’d been married more than a year. You will note this progression within the book and I have included some dates or references to when certain sections were written, to try and give the reader a clearer picture of where I was at in this progression. Also, I am Australian and my husband, JD, is American.

It is an explicit book and should only be read by those under age 18 if they have parental permission and guidance. I know that some people will take offence to the explicit nature of the book, and for that I can only say that I had to follow my heart and write the words I have longed to hear but never read from other sources.

I pray that this book particularly transforms and reforms the body of Christ’s approach to sex and that it challenges every reader in healthy ways. It is available here.

I invite your feedback, discussion and confession (if you so desire) at mailto:elissaanne.author@gmail.com and I ask that if you quote me on Facebook, you reference my website. Blogs that have been included in this book can be found and re-shared from here.