Thank You Coronavirus

From my observations of the world this year—the year of the coronavirus pandemic—I have come to the conclusion that a spiritual shift is taking place. What do I mean by this statement? Well, for those who don’t believe in the spiritual, I guess you would call it a subtle shift in direction—a change of heart or mentality. To me all these are basically the same things. Our response to a physical virus has ramifications in so many areas of our lives as individuals and as a whole. While not every individual has gone through the same challenges as every other individual, I think the collective whole would say that things have changed or that change is in the air. I suspect that the multitude and variety of changes across the billions of lives on this planet, imply a bigger collective change—or, at least, an opportunity for growth and awakening.

Some of us are re-evaluating our vocation. Millions have lost jobs and had significant changes in occupation. Financial hardship has sent some people scrambling for social security, taking out loans, claiming insurance, and cracking open their retirement accounts, or actually retiring early. While for others, this has been a year of increased prosperity, additional work hours and new opportunities as we work from home and online.

Some of us are re-evaluating our physical health. Going on diets. Exercising more regularly. Experiencing the incredible link between physical health and mental stability, and the distinction between indoor exercise and outdoor exercise which also has an impact on brain serotonin levels. Others have decreased their physical exertions in favour of binge watching and overeating. Still others have had babies this year and can’t seem to shake the last five kilos (11 pounds).

There seems to have been a lot of relationship breakdown this year. Couples that were on the rocks for a long time have been tipped over the edge of the cliff by this shift in the spiritual climate of our world. We’ve been stuck at home more and the things that get on our nerves in our home-based relationships are getting on our nerves a lot more. A great big spotlight has thrown light on our weaknesses and many of us have been given the opportunity to either address those issues or to decide that we have irreconcilable differences.

My own marriage has struggled. With the added pressure of a second pregnancy and child, JD and I have had more fights this year than any other year since we met. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that 2020 has been the hardest year in our relationship. We are working on our marriage. We’ve visited with a spiritual mentor. We’ve also added some reading time to our evening routine as a way to connect more deeply. We used to read together regularly before we had kids, so it has been refreshing to do this again and has sparked meaningful conversations. But the things that annoy us about each other are still there and we are continuing to navigate and negotiate the reality of our life as a family of four.

And I’ve experienced some loneliness this year. I’m guessing a lot of people have. Especially those living alone or feeling vulnerable and isolated during this pandemic. When you are told you aren’t allowed to catch up for coffee with your friends and family for an unknown period of time, it can actually spark the question whether you even have many friends or a caring family. I’m very lucky when it comes to family—immediate, extended and in-law. But honestly, I’ve lost a lot of friends, over a lot of years, for a lot of different reasons. In the past decade I’ve altered a few belief systems, married and given birth to two children. I have become more honest and less polite—perhaps we all do this with age? And coronavirus has brought to my attention the fact that I want more friends and deeper relationships with the friends that I have.

So, on the negative side of things, coronavirus has swept more than a million lives right off the globe, and caused physical suffering for many more. Millions of people are grieving and too many have plumbed the depths of loneliness. Domestic violence and divorce have most likely increased this year as well. But on the positive side of things, many relationships have taken the next step. I’m sure there’s been a spike in online dating and online wedding ceremonies. A baby boom is expected to result from lockdown and in my own circle of family and friends a lot of babies have been born during this period of social restriction. 2020 relationships have gone “kaboom!” in both positive and negative ways.

All of this affects our mental health, stability and well-being, and in turn our mental health—our thoughts and emotions—affect our reality. It’s like we are being woken up. We have been forced to ask questions like “Do I have enough friends?” “Am I working purely for money or for love of my job?” “How can I earn more money to support my family?” “Where do we go from here?”

Where do we go from here in this global financial crisis? Where do we go from here in light of the virus? Where do we go from here in our marriages? Where do we go from here in our businesses? Where do we go from here in the larger environment, with climate change and our carbon footprint?

When I was younger, I had this dream of becoming a writer. I never really doubted my ability to write books, even though it took me until I was 25 to complete one that I was truly proud of. But between the ages of 25 and 38 I’ve sold only a small number of copies. I’ve played a sort of tug-of-war with my dream. I’ve been selling myself the lie that, “I don’t know how to market my books.” That’s my justification for my financial failure specifically as a writer. But this year—in this mentally challenging climate, full of questions—my soul has been reminded of my dream to be a successful published writer by earning a profit from my writing. I’m blogging again. I’m editing the books I’ve already written. I’m re-vamping my website. I’m researching marketing and how to be a successful indie author. And I believe I owe some thanks to coronavirus.

There is so much opportunity in the air. Do you sense it? In amongst the chaos and death of coronavirus, there are new things springing to life everywhere. The Bible talks about the seed that falls to the ground and dies so that the plant can grow in its place and bear fruit. Rebirth starts with death. This was so true for me after my mother died in 2011. On New Year’s Eve my status update was something like “good riddance 2011.” And I know that a lot of people feel that way about 2020. But so many things changed for the better in 2012-2013 that I learned experientially what the Bible meant about one thing dying in order for new things to be born. I met my husband because of changes in my belief system that occurred as a result of my mother’s death. And even though it’s been a tough year for our marriage this year, I am excited for our relationship to grow and blossom through the fire and testing that coronavirus has afforded us.

I truly believe that the year 2021 is a year of opportunity. While 2020 has been an amazing year for some, it has been heart-breaking and painful for others. But this ache—this shift in spiritual direction or mental health: the changes and the questions—it’s all a wake-up call to make things better for ourselves and others. What I really want is for people to see the opportunity—the dream come true, the renewed passion, the rebirth in amongst the death, rubble, turmoil and trauma that the pandemic-year, 2020, has brought us—and to build something fresh in 2021.

So, I say thank you to the coronavirus pandemic and to the year 2020. Thank you and goodnight to you … and may tomorrow bring fresh hopes and dreams and something new to this planet as the year 2021 begins.

Judgement in the book of Obadiah

In the short, poetic prophecy of Obadiah violent language is employed:

Obadiah (8) “In that day,” declares the Lord, “will I not destroy the wise men of Edom, those of understanding in the mountains of Esau? (9) Your warriors, Teman, will be terrified, and everyone in Esau’s mountains will be cut down in the slaughter. (10) Because of the violence against your brother Jacob, you will be covered with shame; you will be destroyed forever.”

Then we have a clear statement of judgement:

Obadiah (15) “The day of the Lord is near for all nations. As you have done, it will be done to you; your deeds will return upon your own head.

Followed by this prophecy:

Obadiah (17) But on Mount Zion will be deliverance; it will be holy, and Jacob will possess his inheritance. (18) Jacob will be a fire and Joseph a flame; Esau will be stubble and they will set him on fire and destroy him. There will be no survivors in Esau.” The Lord has spoken. (19) People from the Negev will occupy the mountains of Esau … (21) Deliverers will go up on Mount Zion to govern the mountains of Esau. And the kingdom will be the Lord’s.

Judgement in Obadiah is focused on the descendants of Jacob and Esau. Jacob and Esau were twin brothers who parted ways in Genesis and Esau’s family are not included in the genealogy of the Israelites. This prophecy mentions violence that has been committed against the tribe of Jacob by the tribe of Esau. The result of violence is judgement! In this case the judgement sounds an awful lot like the crime. “Eye for eye, tooth for tooth” (Exodus 21:24) type judgment. Jacob will set fire to Esau and there will be no survivors.

The judgement on Jacob is one of deliverance! He is set free from the violence of his brother. And the judgement on Esau is to experience the consequences of his actions: wrath. Eye for an eye. Or as we would say today, “what goes around comes around.”

Yet the last part of the prophecy says that there will be deliverers ruling Esau and the kingdom of Esau will be the Lord’s. This sounds like a victory for God and alludes to something more than the literal destruction of Esau. Keep in mind that the prophecy was written in poetic language and that it is not literal. Jacob is not literally a fire. Esau is not literally stubble. These descriptions tell us that Jacob will overpower Esau as fire overpowers stubble. What if the phrase “destroyed forever” refers to the violence of Esau being destroyed? Then God–who is love and not violence–becomes the ruler of the kingdom of Esau. So judgement results in the cessation of violence and the deliverance of those who are being violated!

Is God’s Love Unconditional

The most important thing we can ever say about God the Father is that the Father is love. Sadly, when we think of earthly fathers, mothers and parents we do not always think of love. Sometimes we think of anger, abuse, neglect and trauma. It is not always easy to understand that God the Father is far better than any earthly father or mother. We get our definition of God the Father as love, from the Bible.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

The Father’s love is not conditioned by what we do i.e. when we are good he loves us and when we are bad he hates us. He is never hateful. He never rejects or neglects us. He never uses or abuses us. Most importantly, he doesn’t need us to be a certain way, or do particular things in order to be pleased with us and to love us. The Father loves all the time. Love doesn’t stop loving. In that sense, the Father’s love is unconditional toward us. It cannot be transformed into hatred, it cannot cease, it cannot fail. The Father is always love.

Yet there is another sense in which the Father’s love is not exactly unconditional. The phrase in 1 Corinthians 13:6 which says “love does not delight in evil,” helps us to understand the conditional side of love. I am not talking about the Father’s love being pliable or something you or I could manipulate. The church has taught for so long that we are capable of offending God and this leads us down a slippery slope of thinking that God could possibly hate us or reject us eternally. That is why we must meditate on 1 Corinthians 13 as our definition for what the love of God is. “It keeps no record of wrong.” “It always protects.” “Love never fails.” And yet, still, “love does not delight in evil.” This means that if we are infected by evil or sin—and I believe we all are—then the Father point blank refuses to let us stay like that because he is love.

The Father’s love is not conditional toward us in the sense that he needs us to be whole in order to love us, but the Father’s love is conditional in the sense that he refuses to let us be anything but whole because the only way we can truly receive his love, is in wholeness. He doesn’t need us to be whole in order to love us, but we need to be whole in order to perceive that love. The Father doesn’t need us to be saved, purified, sanctified, justified, forgiven or redeemed in order to love us, but love refuses to stand-by and watch the world simply give up and die. Love doesn’t say: “Do whatever you like and I will always love you.” Can you imagine if a suicidal teenager said to his mother, “I’m going to jump off a cliff today,” and she responded “Do whatever you like, honey. I will always love you!” Of what use is the love of the Father if we are all dead? Or what if we are incapable of perceiving and experiencing that love? What good is love, if we don’t recognize it? Love says: “Because I love you, you can do whatever you like, but I will fight to the death to save you from these things you think you like that are not actually doing you any good.”

Do you see what I’m getting at here? God the Father loves us unconditionally. I don’t think it is wrong to use this phrase as long as we qualify it. He doesn’t need us to change to keep loving us. But his love will inevitably change us. His love will save us. His love refuses to let us go down to the pit and die. His love refuses to put up with sin forever because “love does not delight in evil.”

The Trying Game

I watched my sister (in-law) give birth to a perfect baby girl on Wednesday August 17th 2016. It was a wonderful experience and since I was already hoping to have a baby the following year, I asked my husband if we could start trying a month early. The original plan was to start trying in October because I planned to finish my degree in late June (2017) and could give birth any time after that. I figured a month early wouldn’t hurt, even if we did fall pregnant straight away. I only had 1.3 subjects left to complete (the 0.3 referring to a compulsory subject that extends over the life of the 3 year course). If necessary, I could finish my assignments early or get extensions to finish them a little late. I started taking prenatal vitamins a month or two before my niece was born and stopped drinking alcohol in July (at least temporarily).

So we started trying for a baby in September. All that meant was that we stopped using condoms during sex. I had never taken the pill or other precautions. In fact I monitored my cycle and I knew that there were only two weeks of the month that we needed to use condoms and two weeks that we could have unprotected sex without the likelihood of falling pregnant. That method worked for a year and a half.

I don’t know why I got my hopes up in September. I guess I just never really expected falling pregnant to be difficult. I have a very regular cycle. My mum conceived four children easily and had no known miscarriages. My sister-in-law had just had baby number five and all of her children were conceived within a month or so of trying. But when I took a pregnancy test a week before my next period was due and it was negative, I was disappointed and few days later, I cried.

October came around and I was determined to be positive. I spoke to my body every day. I told my uterus that it was forming a healthy lining for my baby. I told my egg that it was going to meet the sperm and implant in my uterus. I also monitored my basal cell temperature after I ovulated to see if it was high as high temperatures could mean that I was pregnant. I misinterpreted the results and thought that my faith had paid off. But the pregnancy test said negative again. And I cried again.

Some friends told me that it takes about three months to fall pregnant. Others told me that I needed to try for 6-12 months before I started to worry. This goes sorely against my personality. As a child I was a pessimist. Even though I have become less pessimistic as an adult, I still have bouts of anxiety and telling me not to worry is not really helpful.

I had another period at the end of October which began our third cycle of trying. All three months we had sex regularly during the ovulation window. In fact we have always had pretty regular sex. But this third month was when I started to feel concerned that one of the main reasons I hadn’t conceived was because I don’t orgasm every time we have sex. I made sure that I masturbated-to-orgasm a few times after sex when JD had orgasmed and I hadn’t. We even used a pornographic video once or twice to help me orgasm during sex. I also went to see an acupuncturist that month, hoping that acupuncture would stimulate the area.

My Pastor prayed for us to conceive a baby while in America, but I decided to play it cool and not really get my hopes up. My period came a day after Thanksgiving (the week we arrived in America) signalling the end of the 3rd cycle and beginning of the 4th. Sex in America was interrupted a few times by family and I orgasmed very little. I ate crappy food and consumed alcohol a few times (for the first time since July) on occasions that I was certain I was not pregnant. I counted the days of my cycle and I could tell that I had PMS the week leading up to Christmas. I was fairly confident that I was not pregnant. Confident enough not to bother taking a pregnancy test. I got a little excited on Christmas Eve when my period was 3 days late, but then that haughty gift, all wrapped in red, arrived on my vaginal doorstep and announced: “You’re not pregnant: merry Christmas to you!”

Despite not getting my hopes up I still cried to my husband. “I had plans! I wanted to be able to tell my students that I would only be teaching for the next 6 months. Everybody is looking at me, waiting for me to announce that I’m going to have a baby because I’ve told people my plans. This is so embarrassing!”

We flew out of America a week later. My period had recently ended and I was about to ovulate again. The idea occurred to me that if I conceived a baby in January it could be born on my husband’s birthday in early October, or even 55 years to the day after my mother’s birthday in late September. That got me excited. I wondered if God and my deceased Mum had concocted a plan that this would be the month I would conceive.

A friend had advised me to keep my legs elevated for 10 minutes after sex. And we had great sex after arriving home from America. We were still on holidays from work (summer holidays in Australia). So we had sex 8 times in 6 days and I orgasmed 7 of those times—a first for me! I elevated my legs for 10 minutes after sex all 8 times and it was very clearly my ovulation window. I felt a sense of peaceful, spiritual hope.

Nonetheless, my hopes were dashed the other day when a doctor revealed the results of my blood test. NEGATIVE. Five months trying and still not pregnant. Mum isn’t sending me a baby to be born on her birthday and I am angry at God because I feel like this is a repeat of what happened with my desire to get married. I dreamed of getting married and having kids since I was nine years old, yet it took until the age of 30 to find the right man for me. I resented the wait. I cried to God so many times, complaining that I wanted and needed a husband, month after month, year after year. No amount of hysterics on my part brought my husband to me any sooner.

Now I am 34. I am pushing the boundaries of a healthy age to have children. I would have liked to have had them in my twenties. My body feels a lot older and tireder now and I don’t think I could handle as many children at this age as I could have handled if I were younger. Plus, if I’d known it would take so long to fall pregnant I would have started at least six months earlier! To be honest, I am feeling very resentful.

Why am I experiencing essentially the same emotions I felt when I was single? Fear that it will never happen. Impatience in the waiting. Feeling robbed of my plans, hopes and dreams. I’m getting exactly the same advice from people: “If you just stop caring it will happen.” “The more you think about it, the less likely it will happen.” “Surrender / relax and if it is meant to be, it will be.” I must not have learned my spiritual lesson the first time because I feel only anger and bitterness when I hear remarks like this.

I am a passionate person! Passionate people don’t give up. Passionate people don’t say “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.” Passionate people don’t just lie back and let life take its course. Passionate people take the bull by the horns and try to make something of their lives. We work hard. We pursue our dreams. Even though I complained about being single, I achieved a heck of a lot in my single years. I wrote and published 3 novels. I took 8th grade and certificate of performance piano examinations which required hours and hours of practise. I recorded songs. I built my own business as a piano teacher. I cared for my sick mother. I did volunteer work and church ministry. I studied. I read. I wrote controversial blogs…

My life is still not where I wanted it to be in terms of a writing career. Nor in terms of becoming a mother. So, do I just throw my hands up in the air and “let it go?” When Elsa let it go, it meant surrendering to who she actually was, not giving up on what she wanted and who she was.

And yet I feel this spiritual pull to relax more. To open my hand and let things come and go with a bit less control and planning on my part. Life is so complicated. I am walking a fine line between holding on to my passion—who I am and what I want out of life—and embracing a more “que sera, sera” attitude.

I feel that this is a battle I must fight on my own. I may be liable to choke the next person who tells me to “just relax” and “let it go,”—even if it’s my husband! If that is what I am meant to do, then it is going to take a concerted effort on God’s part and mine to renew my mind, changing the way that I think and approach life.

So that is where I am at. Frustrated and resentful. Disappointed and sad. Balancing passion and relaxation. Taking my vitamins. Visiting the naturopath. Back to a low sugar diet. Exercising regularly. I’ve already lost 1 kilo / 2 pounds since coming back from America. No alcohol. No coffee. I have a gynaecology appointment at the end of the month: the beginning of cycle 6. Debating whether to have acupuncture or do yoga or something.

Trying to have a baby.