When I was a child I naively assumed that most of the adults around me: my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, school teachers, pastors and church leaders etc., were NOT having sex before marriage. We were told not to, therefore I simply presumed most couples had abstained.
Listen to these American statistics:
50% of men and 13% of women born in 1890 had sex before marriage
58% of men and 26% of women born 1890-1900 had sex before marriage
66% of men and 50% of women born 1900-1909 had sex before marriage.
These statistics aren’t even talking about Woodstock or how many people are having premarital sex today, these implicating my grandparents and great grandparents.
I need volunteers to take part in a survey about your sex lives and sexuality. I am not here to judge you. I am here to learn. I will keep your answers anonymous and will write only generalities and statistics about the data I collect.
What is my motivation?
Abstinence was a difficult battle for me. I felt guilty about masturbation as an adult, and felt invalidated as a sexual being until much later in my twenties, only to discover that the people implying I should abstain, for the most part did not abstain themselves. It shocked me and has caused me to ask a lot more questions about sex. I am still somewhat angry that very few people talked to me about my sexual struggles in my twenties and I am adamant that this is a topic we need to stop avoiding particularly in the Christian world and throughout society!
(Statistics taken from “When Sex goes to School” by Kristin Luker)
I’m so happy I ran across this post. Reading stories like this and knowing how incredible of a woman she is today gives hope to a lot.
So my not so short story:
I was the typical girl with what people call “daddy issues” I had an absent father who I longed for and an absent mother with lack of guidence..my biggest role model….my big sister….she wasn’t the ideal rolemodel buy none the less she was my big sister…..who got pregnant at 16….I knew I never wanted to be pregnant young but while my sister was out getting pregnant I was hanging out with anyone that gave me any attention….good or bad….I had the lowest self esteem and any time anyone gave me the attention anf made me feel pretty I soaked it up…..little did I know that a guy telling me i was pretty was just a way to get in my pants…..I lost my virginity at 16 to someone I thought I really loved…..he broke up with me two weeks later…..that was the first time I attempted suicide ….I then met my childrens father at 18 who had a bike and was 6 years older than me….he was the typical hot head bad boy…who got me pregnant….after my daughter was born she shortly died and I come to find out he had cheated on me only 6 months after burying our daughter…..that was my second suicide attempt…..after we split several years later I was convinced no one would want nor love me….I began to mask the pain in any way….i was free to do what I wanted with no reprocutions…I know on an occasion I would sleep with three men in one day just because I could….I would watch porn 3-4 times a day just to entertain myself….and one night after I had someone come over who i was actually crazy about literally come over and have sex with me and leave I was crushed….why didn’t anyone love me?? Was I worthy of love?? I was a good woman who had a lot to offer I just never was taught how to offer my heart before my body…I told my best friend about my addiction and I met ike who changed my life….he was our church counsler….one agreement for him to help me was for me to go to church….which lead to volunteer projects….we were working on a garden out side of an elementary school when I met Neil….we were spending a lot of time together when he finally asked me on a date….I was hesitant but said yes anyway….it felt amazing to have a man listen to what I said and actually care about my heart….for some reason I cried to him and he held me until I stopped….he went back home with me and I thought “this is it…this is where he is like every other man” he walked me to my door kissed me on my head apologized for all the people who have hurt me….he told me he was a virgin and was waiting on the right one…we prayed on my front porch that night….we put gods love before our love ….six months later he asked me to be his girlfriend….4 months after that we finally did have sex….we now are engaged to be married next year and have a beautiful baby boy….no this is not how we were supposed to do things…but it worked for us. Neil was the only man who prays with me and prays for me…the only man who loved my heart under my shirt other than my breasts under my shirt….days aren’t always easy but when I go back to that day and see him with our son I’m thankful for the broken road that lead me to him.