Grief, Loss and Change

My mother passed away 41 weeks ago on the 5th of May 2011. A large part of the grieving process for me has been to accept that not all my dreams and desires in life will come true. The relationship I had with my mother was not what I wanted it to be and it is now all the more impossible for me to fill that part of me that longed to have a deeper relationship with her.

The death of a close loved one is a big loss. It creates an empty space that cannot be filled and a part of ones own soul dies in that person’s death. For me it is the death of the dream of having an intimate and affectionate relationship with my mother. It is also the end of my hopes and imaginations that my mother would attend my wedding and help me raise my children.

I came to some conclusions whilst trying to deal with such drastic changes and failed dreams. These are the written musings of a young, grieving woman:

1) One thing you can count on in life is change. Sometimes you need to “be the change” because the only person you can change is yourself. If you wish someone else’s behaviour toward you would change, ask yourself what you must change in your own life so that his/her behaviour no longer has the same affect.

Change can be as good as a holiday or as a bad as Winter in the Arctic. Change is inevitable. Nothing really stays the same forever (except God). So don’t struggle against change and live in denial. Flow with the changes and be an ever moving current.

2) Life is not what I planned, or hoped, or dreamed it would be. This idea that we should “never give up” is not realistic. We must give up some fantasies, delusions and impossibilities. We must constantly tear down the past and its failures so that we can build new plans, new hopes and new dreams. It is not a failure to give up on one set of dreams and embrace another. The real tragedy would be to give up on life all together!

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